Welcome to our special section featuring excerpts from club newsletters in which players of a literary persuasion get all poetic about their team. All material is faithfully reproduced from the various tear-stained scraps of paper we received. RAMBLING IN A FOREIGN LAND.

Redland Ramblers took their distinctive brand of attractive football abroad, when they travelled to the Isle of Wight on their club tour in September. Planned with military precision, they managed to cram two weeks worth of activities into two days, and proved worthy ambassadors of their country.

The highlight of the weekend was an 8 – 3 victory over a British Aerospace Elite team. This was a particular milestone for Rambler Rob Sykes, who netted his 100^th goal for the club, as a result of totally unselfish play by all other team members who provided a constant stream of passes to him. His victory celebration involved removing his shirt to reveal a tee- shirt proclaiming ‘100’ stretched across his massive girth. This led to continual ‘Sykes-baiting’ throughout the entire weekend. The low point was watching England’s defeat against Sweden in a local pub, but spirits were revived by a nocturnal dip in the sea, a curry, and a visit to a nightclub which was trapped in a 70’s timewarp.

The Sunday morning saw an 8am skinny dip, or rather fatty dip, judging by the bulging blue stomachs on show. This was followed by a hotly contested Pitch and Putt and Crazy Golf marathon. Rob was the narrow winner of the coveted Yellow Jacket (discarded jumble from Tim.)

A rather violent 6-a-side beach football match came next, and after time to reflect, the squad travelled to Ryde. Here a hard-fought Ten Pin bowling competition was won by Tim, who admitted that he was once a virtual professional at the sport. Onwards then to the Sloop Inn, only 5 minutes from the ferryport, where a pre- arranged free dinner was eagerly consumed.

The annual awards ceremony followed, with the well kept secret that the league title had been retained. The cup was paraded and medals presented. Every tour member received a personal certificate from the ‘Academy of Ageing Soccer Excellence’, with individual merit awards for all.

A superb quiz organised by Rob, which introduced a note of controversy, rounded the evening off perfectly, leaving just enough time to catch the homeward-bound ferry.

Well the headline seems to sum up last season! Let’s face it we were shite! One win, seven defeats and a goal difference of –40 tells a woeful story of decline, only on a par with the Asian economy. But, as you wipe away the tears of a disappointing season, just remember that things were always going to be difficult last year.

Firstly there was our debatable inclusion in the more challenging first division, via superior goal difference of all things, from the 96/97 season! Secondly and perhaps more importantly we lost three key players in Tony, Dai and Paul last year. Tony, our ‘Most Valuable Player’ for the last season, was one of the few members of the squad who could hold, run with, and cross the ball well. His move to Cambridge for career reasons was a significant loss.

In addition Dai and Paul scored eleven goals between them in the 96/97 season and their loss: Dai to Amsterdam for Pornographic and Narcotic reasons and Paul Thistlewhaite due to systematic physical and sexual abuse by his landlord and former Dynamo chairman Duncan Hebblethwaite, left us completely barren in the scoring market. (no reference to Piers’ love life intended).

So much so that for 97/98 Colin ‘Get F***ing Back You English Sassenachs’ Steven was top scorer with three to his credit, and he played at centre-half! A performance which in itself earned him the Most Valuable Player award for the 97/98 season.

So, devoid of in-form strikers and a genuine midfield maestro, coupled with life in the Premier division of the Casuals League, we quite simply struggled. And what a struggle it was, missing sitters, conceding sloppy goals; including the classic ‘You’ve Been Framed’ moment, when the ball rolled under Badge’s foot and into the net when attempting the simplest of clearances.

Saying that, under the inspired management of Dunc, who surely will be remembered as the man who moved Giggsy from left back to left wing, we did make certain strides in the right direction. Barney and Giggsy in particular showed vast improvement over their form in the 96/97 season and the acquisition of Davo, Simon, Big Ian and Julian all strengthened the side.

So although we only managed the one solitary win, thanks mainly to a dodgy but favourable penalty decision, stout defending and woeful finishing by the opposition, we perhaps have every reason to be more optimistic about the 98/99 season.

The day passed without the slightest murmur, celebration, cake or even a pint! But believe it or not the Dynamos in all their various guises were 10 years old in September! Founded in September 1998 by Billy Cotton and a certain Tony Donovan, the Dynamos were originally founded as the course team for HND Tourism and played in the Bristol Polytechnic inter- course league. They were founded as Dynamo Tourismo A.F.C. (although they were very nearly called Grasshopper Tourismo) and the Dynamo’s legacy of football excellence was born. After two average seasons under Billy and Tony’s management, Dynamo Tourismo won their only silverware to date in the 90/91 season, winning the Bristol Polytechnic Inter-Course

league, (albeit on goal difference). Thanks in the main to 14 goals in 7 games from Stevie ‘Big-Man’ Heard and the excellent management and defensive prowess of a certain Mr. Badger.The following season Stevie Heard took the reins, but the Dynamos were unable to retain the championship. With student lives over and life in the rat race underway the club renamed itself Inter Dynamos AFC and spent a couple of years in the doldrums. However, bolstered by the likes of Dunc, Miles, Piers, Huw, Giggsy, Adam and Barney we did entertain days of glory in friendly fixtures on the Downs.

Then in 1996, Dunc got us into the Casuals League and the club added Belarus to the Dynamo prefix, thanks to JJB Sports flogging Belarus shirts off cheap! So Happy Birthday to the Dynamos, here’s to another ten years!

The end of last season saw the Strollers finish on a high – reaching the semi-final of the Casuals cup and crushing H.P. Farmers 6-1 in the final league game, a result that many had thought would see the Strollers gain promotion but owing to some unconventional statistical tables saw them finish mid-table.

With Director of Football Dennis Norman acutely aware of the need to strengthen his squad the Strollers were rocked by a pre- season bombshell with the announcement by the out of contract fullback Barry Southern that he was leaving the club to join arch rivals PSST.

In the same week that saw Paul Merson criticise Middlesborough for accepting player’s drinking antics, Southern slammed the Strollers, claiming there was a culture of overeating prevalent amongst the team, adding that he feared that if he did not get away he too would become addicted to the salted potatoes the players enjoyed after their games. Southern had been one of the Stroller’s most consistent players over the past two seasons, and his spirit and commitment were sure to be missed.

On the positive side, ‘want-away’ striker Gerry Davis settled differences with the club and agreed to remain with the Strollers for a further season, this despite rumours that he had been offered to PSST in a player exchange deal.

Our first five league and cup fixtures have yielded maximum points and a classic cup-tie against PSST. Dennis Norman, who must have feared for his job this time last year, can now feel safe in the knowledge that his family will have food on the table for a little while longer.

First game of the season, a friendly against Red Star at the Greenway Centre. Usually these have been fairly tight games. Not this time.

Hill Farm pulled ahead with two goals in the first quarter of an hour, the first to Alex, running at goal and shooting across the keeper, the second to Gary, a glancing header from Kieran’s cross. Bedminster managed to pull one back, but Martin re-established Hill Farm control, stepping into Nick’s boots with a near post header from a corner. Next Alex got his second, stroking the ball into the far corner from just inside the box. Shortly before half time, Lewis carried the ball to the left side corner of the box then badly mis-cued his shot directly into the path of Kieran, who blasted it into a shell-shocked net.

Second half saw no goals for the first fifteen minutes or so, then Tony opened his account, stabbing the ball in from a tight angle on the right. This was followed by a sweet, curling shot across the keeper and into the top left corner. Next goal came when Tony’s long cross was met with a header from beyond the far post by Kieran. A throw in on the right was clipped on by Lewis to find Andy unmarked on the edge of the box. Contriving to beat a defender who hadn’t seemed to be there, Andy took his goal coolly, sliding it to the keeper’s right. The last word went to Tony. After some good passing down the right, Lewis found Tony outside the box with a defender inside him. Sheer strength and speed took him to within ten yards before he tucked it away, in off the near post.

A disappointing performance from Red Star who, although never outplayed, didn’t managed to apply any concerted pressure and were repeatedly punished by a Hill Farm attack who for today at least could do no wrong. Bodes well for the season ahead (as we say every October!).

Hill Farm 10 Red Star 1

Long ago when Bristtolle was an ancient Medieval settlement, even before the City and Rovers, gangs and tribes of individuals banded together for mutual protection.

It was such a band that gathered to form what is now Russell Athletic.

It was in the eerie Olde Pub known as the Fartarsers Arms that a team known as Russell Athletic came to consciousness. Three wise men quaffed a few and were full of brouhaha and false confidence. These were Russellmen through and through, coming as it were from the ancient enclave of Russelle Roade in the olde Anglo Saxon settlement that is Westbury Park.

Among their number was the ancient Norse ‘beserker’ Adrian Who Drinks A Load Of Guiness, a fierce and fearless type with no regard for God nor man (nor those bastards at the Inland Revenue). He ate when he was hungry and drank Horlicks without fear or favour. Conclusive evidence of his psychosis was his love of the soccer peoples known as Ipswich.

His oppo was a strange witchdoctor, by Pete the Bogsaint he was known – many rued crossing him. With his potions and dark chants to the Old Gods he’d turned many into a gibbering idiot (or Arsenal supporter) and when riled he was known to go into a fervour…a trance…and would mindlessly support the Southampton Town tribe. (He must have been in a bloody trance not to notice that all the players they bought are shite.)

The third among them was the strangest of all – a man with a strange dialect, dyed blond hair and different ways and it was from the tribal homeland Everton on Mersey did he come. Indeed he was a savage.

The scene was set – Beserker, Bogsaint and Lily the Savage sat as usual boisterously recounting past raiding parties when they slaughtered and brought home sustenance for their kin (now known as, ‘going to Tescos’). However, on this occasion they were joined by an Old Celt, Breandain the son of Cionadha. (Translated into English it means ‘The Man who is in fear of buying a round’.) On this occasion he hadn’t come to trade animal skins as he usually did. No, on this occasion, he had come to tell them about a new pastime called kicking the Dane’s head. He told them what fun it was especially if the Dane was still attached and known as Schmeichel. He asked if they would like a go. Duly they formed a team from their settlement including the sage and village counsellor Paul M’lud, the snakecharmer Steve that lives by the Fern, the Paul Hibernia, Jezza Bob of the Ancient Feet and the Hun James that is a big Bluenose. Their first opponents in the game of kicking the Dane’s head were the Hen Leaze Corinthius race, originally from…er…Corinth(?). The men of Russelle Ham put aside their weapons and battled on Ye Olde Green of Astroturf in the parish that is Coombe Laynes. It was an inauspicious start – sadly they lost 10-2.

Were they put off? Did they go home and cry? Well, yes they did as a matter of fact. But the Celt encouraged them to take up training on the day of Tyr, Warrior son of Odin. In modern English this is known as Tuesday. So it was that early Russelle Athletic got its start.

They have recruited from other tribes – Iggy the Roman, Jenya the Goth to try to improve. They’ve even allowede in a tribe from beyond the Danegeld (yes, I’m afraid to say it). There are Sheffield types (the Colquhouns) within our team.

In more recent times Russelles have travelled on the Roman Fosse Way to Bedminster, playing ye Red Stars and their types. And again they have been none too successful. They are bottom of the Olde Casuals League with ye olde nil point. Still it is only ye Olde game, when all is said and done. More tales of the Russell ‘berserkers’ will follow when Caxton gets his John Bull printing sorted.

Lad f ld Balls